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Dragontape
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Name: Nate
Birthday: 9/22/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: I like pie...yay for me!
Expertise: I'm good in bed...does that count?
Occupation: Other
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/20/2006
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| I'm over at frank's house right now typing this out...listening to Paramore and chatting with joe over the internet.
So...latest update...devin and cj moved out of the apartment. Ashley and john are moving into the apartment...i have a new haircut and i think i like mohawking it. Makes me feel good about myself. I just don't particularly know where my path is headed though.
On one hand...i really honestly like John. He's cool, i can talk to him about anything and it just feels so great to hold him. I love spending time with him and he actually likes me for me. He definitly has some distasteful habits but i think he'll stop eventually. He also has uhmm...interesting friends. Thier okay, but not the kind of crowd i'd hang with on a daily basis.
I guess...even though its been a good number of days..I still feel like i'm keeping John at arm's length. I think its because i'm still stuck in that mindset that John would never go out with me and would end up with devin. I mean, its the last thing i would've thought would happen. John actually taking a chance on me and moving in with me no less...its just a little mindblowing and i think my brain is still trying to grasp the events that unfolded over these last 5 days.
its just...so...strange. Not a bad strange...but a good strange. I just...*shrug* my brain is still trying to catch up...heh, im so wierd. ill blog more about this later. | | |
| It's been a couple months since I last entered anything remotely interesting into this xanga of mine.
It's also been crazy as hell the last couple of months. Loads upon loads of drama that sometimes i feel like im on a reality tv show and the producers keep throwing new shit at us to keep us fighting.
So, i guess its official...well its been official for awhile now...i'm single. Devin broke up with me, alot of things that have been hiding for so long finally got aired out and now, we are all just teetering on the edge of a knife. We are all just kinda ignoring the big pink elephant in the room.
I don't really wish to go into detail about it, it's WAY too complicated, but if your really curious, get ahold of my number and call me. I work over at Jungle Java Cafe...and i usually do graveyard shift on the weekdays so drop by and visit and we can chat about the strange intracies of fate and the universe.
So i've been to the clubs...the bars...the lounges, however you want to put it...and I have gotten wasted. I found out im a very violent, unstable person when im drunk. The overwhelming willpower I have to keep everything under control diminishes in the face of alcohol and i end up becoming an emotional wreck. On the happy end of this, i never knew I could poledance so well...im like an effing natural :p.
Anyhow, i'm doing fine so far, I think. So many things in my head just don't make sense right now and I don't think they ever truly will. I do things and say things that surprise me sometimes. I have conflicting emotions at the moment and all my nerves are frayed. I am listening to a bunch of emo-tic songs.
I have been eating alot lately though, still haven't gained any weight...*grumble* I think ill get back into the swing of exercising daily because it was fun and I felt good afterwards. It also gave me a crapload of energy.
I think i stopped because I felt depressed and moody and i stopped eating so much.
I just have no clue how to proceed from here at the moment. My life and future are currently at a standstill and its mainly because I have to make a choice now. There are so many choices and there is no right answer but there is the best answer. I just feel like im running out of time to make a decision and *ughh* thinks. I hate being rushed, I hate being forced to do something...push me, and ill push back just as hard. Sometimes i resist, sometimes I don't. The thing about me people just don't seem to grasp is that I will resist things just for the sake of resisting. I will choose the other option sometimes...just because i like variety.
Why do i still love him though...i have asked myself that question time and time again and i keep coming back to the same answer...I don't effing know.
You know whats so funny, I hate being told that I deserve better...who cares if I deserve better? Isn't it what I want that matters?
Why on earth do people not hit on me at bars? I have gone to gay bars countless times and I have yet to see someone actually approach me and purchase me a drink. People tell me i'm attractive, people tell me im good looking...so you would think that people would approach me in a damn bar...yet they don't. Do I look intimidating? Do i look like i'll kill the first person to buy me a drink? *shrug* I'll try to sit down more next time i go out...cj said no one approaches the dancing guy. | | |
| What is it about the human mind that makes it so resilient towards the pain in our lives?
Why do we keep on living even though we feel like everything is going wrong?
The trials that we go through test us all time and time again, threatening to engulf us in the darkness of despair.
Yet somehow, we find our way back up and into the light be it by ourselves or by the helping hands of those close to us. We find the will to keep on trying and keep on living.
Why do we keep on living? I'll tell you...we live for hope. We live for the moment...we yearn to make ourselves happy with what life has given us.
There are times when we rage...when we cry...when we all just want to give up. It's in those moments that we find the greatest desire to live and continue forth.
We are human...we just want one basic thing...
to live. | | |
| Well...its not so much a family tree...its more like...nevermind, ill just type what comes to mind. You all know me, I never really liked to really think things through. I just think that thoughts are like food, and thinking too much just spoils the good thought. Besides, everyone knows steak tastes just so much better when its raw.
On to the family tree...
First on the list, thiers me...
- What am I...honestly, I wish I knew myself. As it is, I just go day to day living mostly on instinct and just trying to enjoy the life I have. Make the most of my situation and change according to how things go around me. I'm a flowy, flexible person. I like to make people happy, and I despise making people sad or mad. I just can't stand to see someone actually suffering and most times I wish I could take the suffering away from them and suffer it for them. Just cause I think I could deal with it better then they could.
I change daily, my diffrent and wildy variable moods come and go, like the tides. Sometimes im sad, sometimes im disgustingly happy, and other times I can be a real bitch.
Now, on to people I consider my immediate family....
Frank and Ray - what could I possibly say about these two that could give them the justice they so rightfully deserve. They rescued me before I became a flamer and showed me that there is a path that a gay teen can take that doesn't involve cross-dressing or being a flamboyant confrontational gay adult. It can just be a normal thing for me. Something as casual as changing my socks or getting a haircut. These dudes are the coolest gay couple I know and I trust them with all my heart. They've been there for me when I needed them and they've always offered me sound and good advice.
I wuv you both so very much and I thank you for being my daddies ^_^
Devin- heh, its only been one month and 2 days...but who's counting? I can't believe that time went by so fast. It feels like only yesterday when you asked me to go out with you. *sighs* gosh, your just too damn good to be true. Sometimes im just so afraid that maybe you are too good to be true and that this is all just a dream.
*shakes head* Have to keep those thoughts out of my mind. I love you dev and I feel like I can tell you anything, wait, I do tell you everything.... >_<
I enjoy all the time we spend together and don't worry, if I can stay with you for a month...and not get bored, I don't think I ever will. Besides, your always so wierd all the time, your such a total geek. But I love ya because of it and I also like the fact that we don't have to hide our relationship from your family.
I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you.
CJ- man, we have been through alot haven't we? I don't regret the 3-4...well...however many years we were together. Nor do I think it was a waste. I love you a whole lot cj. Maybe not in that way anymore but more like....well, can't really explain it. I just know that I want you to be a part of my life always. Even if its just a small part...you can be the "other woman" :P j/k
Honestly though, I really do feel sorry that I wasn't the one for you. I pray to god...*which is surprising by the way* that you'll find someone to love and hold and I REALLY do want to help you find that person but I figure you'll do a better job if you do it on your own but just remember ill always be there to help ya.
Krystal - you're a bitch...plain and simple. But you're a lovable bitch :P, I have absolutely no clue why I like you so much...but I do. That and the fact that your brother is just so friggin hot!!! j/k
*winks at christian* call me :P j/k
Yea krystal, I consider you important and like cj..I want you to stay a part of my life. god knows I need friends like you. *mutters* friends that kick you in the shins with steel toe boots...
*gropes krystal* oh yea...and plus I love your big bewbies!! *fondles*
My real mommy- you're a bitch too...but not in like...well I dunno, your just very effin opinionated. I guess I should at least thank you for raising me...even if I did turn out somewhat crazy, but at least I have someone to blame for my damn good looks...j/k I know I look like crap :P
Joe and Anty "lovingly called Auntie Joe" - heh, gotta love the drama we caused, we had so much drama that a soap opera about us would take 4 seasons to get it all and thats not including all the extra scenes. Add another couple seasons if your gonna include all the sex scenes :P j/k Yea, you too contributed to my messed up state of mind...so take a bow you crazy duo...
Ill continue this later...bye alls
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| Just putting an entry...
Mark is cool and I think he likes me
Cody is cute and I think he's bi...
Mythu is just plain awesome...and she's perfect for hugging
The gwhs expo was a complete success and I had loads of fun
up until that wierd woman started trying to get me to take jesus as my lord and savior...
>_> and there I was trying to inform her of the importance of taking care of guam's reefs and what marine mania was trying to do...
yea, I had to deal with freaks, geeks, and sneaks. Freaks meaning jesus woman, geeks meaning all the people that wanted to know more (which im happy for btw), and sneaks...cause jeanna snuck away to go get taco bell and didnt even bother to snag me one taco...friggin cunt :P
Love you all...even you jeanna...you taco nazi... | | |
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